Who Comes Up with this Stuff, Anyway?

At my last visit, the doctor had me fill out a form for Medicare. Boy, was that a pip! “Do I have trouble running?” I don’t know. ’Haven’t considered running in a very long time. “Do I wear a helmet?” No, but I’ve got a nice Panama hat for summer. “Am I afraid of my spouse?” Can’t say; she’s sitting right here. “How much alcohol do you drink?” Not as much as I used to, but I’m doing the best I can. “Do you worry about money?” Only the amount I don’t have. “What keeps you up at night?” Wondering about fool surveys.
Like those surveys they try to get you to take when you call customer service. “At the end of the call you will be requested to take a brief survey to help us serve you better.” No. It’s too late for me. The call’s done. Besides, if you want me to work in the quality control division of your customer service department, give me a call and we can discuss time and money. Otherwise, I’ve got my own problems, which is why I called customer service in the first place.
Or on the internet. You go to a site looking for information or a product and they ask you to friend or follow them. No. I’m not looking for a new pal. I’ve got my dog and am set in that area. What I need is a used CD of Bruce Springsteen’s Nebraska. Let’s just leave our relationship there and go our separate ways.
Do robo-calls actually work? You see a local number, pick up and hear, “This is Julie. I’m calling you because your 1989 refrigerator is now out of warranty. Don’t worry. I can offer you an extended warranty right now. Just hang on a minute so we can get started with the paperwork.” No. That refrigerator went with the house I sold back when you were still in school, Julie.
“Hi, this is Bob Ferguson. I’m calling to make sure I can count on your vote . . .” Sure, for your opponent, unless that person calls me to with a fake personal recorded message.
What about the unsolicited email offer for a great stock option? Wow! My lucky day! Someone I don’t even know wants to give me the inside skinny, so I can make a bundle in the market. Sure glad I didn’t send off my life savings to that Nigerian prince that emailed me last week. I’ve still got the cash for this opportunity. Or not.
No. No. No. No. No. No.
OK. Maybe I’m feeling a bit Louis Black today, but don’t you wonder? What do they think? We’re sitting in our rockers on the front porch waiting for nobody to tell us everything we don’t want to know?

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About the author

Scott Funk has specialized in Home Equity Conversion Mortgage reverse mortgages for over a decade. He is a recognized Aging in Place advocate in his home state of Vermont. His monthly newspaper column Aging in Place has run for 7 years in 24 papers around the state. Scott is brings a lighthearted approach to his talks on Boomers, retirement and aging on purpose.